What the Movie ‘Instant Family’ Got Right About Adoption

…And One Or Two Things It Got Wrong

I really enjoyed the movie “Instant Family,” based on the true story of a heterosexual, cisgender White couple of decent economic means and the family they created. They adopted three children from the foster care system, older children as well, who appear to be Latino/a. The movie gives a glimpse at the foster-to-adopt process, bonding, frustrations, humor, and love. It’s a nice movie in many ways, although some scenes sent a few unfavorable messages about adoption that should be addressed. Here are some things the movie did well.

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• Siblings stayed together

The social workers did an activity where they explained the grief of displaced children. Social worker, “She is grieving the loss of connection with everything and everyone. But the one connection that can remain is between siblings. Sometimes it’s easier for sibs to adjust because they’re not going through it all alone.” Keeping children together helps with bonding, emotional regulation of all the children. Separation between siblings could be traumatic for adopted children. 

• Adoption of older children

At the adoption fair, Pete, the dad-to-be, sets his eye on the group of teenagers keeping to themselves far across the lawn. He says, “I’m going over there….look at them over there. I mean, everyone’s avoiding them like they’re dipped in sh*t.” A little extreme, but you get the point. Many people fear adopting older children, mainly because of fears that older children will adjust poorly. Adoption of older children could have different elements of difficulty than with younger children, however, all people who adopt should remember that no matter when a child is adopted, they take their past with them. This is something both to celebrate and to take into account.

• Strengths of gay parents

During the training for adopting parents, the film showed a highly motivated gay couple in the foster care information session. You could say they were quite pro-adoption, as LGBTQ+ couples are four times as likely as straight couples to have adopted than their heterosexual counterparts (Adoption Network, n.d.). According to the US Department of Health and Services, often LGBTQ people choose adoption as their first choice for creating a family, making them a “highly motivated resource” (Turner, 1999). This could have psychologically positive outcomes on adopted children to know they were the “first choice” which is different for many heterosexual couples who often “end up” adopting (Reed, 2013).

• Adoption of Black children

In the film, a White single woman October specifically wanted to adopt an African American boy. This is quite rare. Unfortunately, Leeat Yariv (Oliwenstein, 2010) led a research team to explore adoptive parent’s race and gender preferences in adoption. A striking aspect of the study found that parents were willing to pay $38,000 more for a baby who is not African American. Parents also preferred adopting girls to boys.

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Talked about “giving them back”

After a trying dinner where the youngest spilled the milk and dumped chips all over the dinner table, the middle child began to have a panic attack, and the oldest screamed at the parents for being too strict, the parents had a bedtime huddle.

Pete says to Ellie, “We can’t start turning on each other here. If we stay calm and work together, we can find a way to get the little a**holes out of our house.” Notice that he used the term “our house.” The kids are outsiders, intruders.

Elie looks at him with wide eyes, “That’s exactly what I was thinking. I hate them so much! They’re so ungrateful. We are doing everything for them, and they couldn’t give two sh*ts.” Side note, I have never seen a movie where supposedly good parents say they hate their kids so much.

Pete gives her a sly look. “They’re not adopted yet,” he grins.

Ellie leans in conspiratorily, “We could just give them back.”

Anyone who has been a parent knows that parenting is no easy task. But this scene was quite horrible, in my opinion. The parents showed absolutely zero empathy for the children’s adjustment and worried more about the kudos they receive for being “saints” for having put up with them, as they termed it. They complain that their kids aren’t “grateful.” This idea confirmed a previous worry they had brought up to the social worker, that they didn’t want to be white saviors adopting kids of color. Well, they stepped right into it.

Although they seemed to be joking, this kind of “give up” when the going gets tough is no laughing matter. It is the equivalent of talking about your biological child in this way, “We carried them to term, and they are so ungrateful! Let’s get rid of them.”

Many of us may remember with horror about the YouTubers who “rehomed” their adopted child Huxley after he was “too difficult” and coincidentally wasn’t hammy enough for the camera. Needless to say, such a decision shows a lack of maturity and empathy about the child’s needs. The decision to “rehome” also is a sign of poor preparation that could have had a traumatizing effect on Huxley.

• Adoption of Black children

Pete and Ellie’s kids visit their birthmother four times in the movie, and each time they come back with dysregulated behaviors. At the foster care group, Ellie says, “We just feel so rejected. I know this makes me a really bad person, but I keep wishing that their mom  would go back to prison.” It is understandable that Ellie is struggling with the aftereffects of the parent visits. On the other hand, her preference that the birth mother undergo a harmful situation for her own peace of mind seems to lack empathy. The social worker reframed Ellie to suggest that she is trying to protect the children, also painting the birth mother as the problem. 

This is an unfortunate and common trend. I have seen this with YouTubers who post about foster adoptions. Often they hold disparaging and highly disrespectful views about the birthmothers. One YouTuber said, “I am glad I saved my children from a woman who was living in sin.” I wrote to her and reminded her that someday her children and likely the birthmother, would see that video. I told her it is better to hold a supportive stance towards the woman who allowed her to be a mother rather than to judge her harshly. Similarly, with children whose parents have divorced, it is recommended not to talk negatively about the other parent. This will help retain the children’s sense of integrity and self-worth.

In sum

To sum it up, as shown in the movie, it’s important to keep siblings together and to adopt older children who often are less likely to be adopted. The movie commented on how for many LGBTQ+ families, adoption is the first choice. Couples or individuals who adopt as a first choice is an area very seldom studied and the psychological benefits for children of this choice should be explored. Further, the film highlighted, albeit in a rather essentialist way, a white woman who sought to adopt a Black teenager. Further research shows that Black boys are the least likely to be adopted. It should go without saying that parents should not take adoption like a library…children should not be returned. In addition, parents who adopt children, whether transracially or not, should learn about their children’s culture of origin and integrate these aspects into their lives. 

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Resources

Adoption Network. (n.d.) Same-sex adoption. https://adoptionnetwork.com/types-of-adoption-options/same-sex-adoption/

Oliwenstein, L. (2010, April 20). African-American babies and boys least likely to be adopted, studies show. Calteach. https://www.caltech.edu/about/news/african-american-babies-and-boys-least-likely-be-adopted-study-shows-1610

Reed, K. (2013, October 22). Study finds couples who want children view adoption as a last resort. Nebraska Today. 
Turner, C. S. (1999). Adoption journeys: Parents tell their stories. Ithaca, NY: McBooks Press.

Adoption and LGBTQ+ Parents

LGBTQ+ parents adopting children who are not LGBTQ+, and LGBTQ+ parents who adopt children who are LGBTQ+ is a very positive thing! Studies have shown particular strengths that LGBTQ+ parents bring to their children, whether or not they are LGBTQ+. In particular, though, LGBTQ+ parents can help bolster identity questions for LGBTQ+ youth.

High motivation to adopt

There are many positive qualities associated with LGBTQ+ parents that make them exemplary parents and candidates for adoption. You could say they are quite pro-adoption, as LGBTQ couples are four times as likely to have adopted than their heterosexual counterparts (Adoption Network, n.d.). According to the US Department of Health and Services, often LGBTQ people choose adoption as their first choice for creating a family, making them a “highly motivated resource (Turner, 1999).” This could have psychologically positive outcomes on adopted children to know they were the “first choice” which is different for most heterosexual couples who often “end up” adopting (Reed, 2013). 

Help manage identity issues

According to the Adoption Network (n.d.), LGBTQ couples are four times as likely to have adopted than their heterosexual counterparts and tend to be more diverse in level socioeconomic status and ethnicity than straight couples who adopt (UCLA Williams Institute, 2018). This could help them relate more to children in foster care who often come from ethnically diverse backgrounds. In addition, LGBTQ parents who adopt out of the foster care system show strengths in the ability to relate to identity concerns children wrestle with from being in the foster care system. 

Help support LGBTQ+ youth

Additionally, LGBTQ+ parents can help LGBTQ+ children through identity concerns related to their sexual orientation or gender expression, as many children in foster care express at least 7% express not identifying with being heterosexual (SAMSHA, 2014). Acceptance is crucially important as the level of family rejection can lead to LGBTQ+ children running away or committing suicide. According to the landmark report from the Family Acceptance Project (Ryan, 2009),  LGBT youth who experienced high levels of family rejection were 8.4 times more likely to commit suicide than youth with low levels of family rejection. Similarly, LGBT youth who faced high family rejection were 3.4 times more likely to become infected by HIV than LGBT youth in low family rejection households. You can see the importance of affirming, loving households, especially given these staggering findings. 

Agencies and providers must be LGBTQ+ affirming

Unfortunately, not all agencies hold affirming practices when it comes to LGBTQ+ parents. It is important that agencies take into account prejudice from staff, including heightened scrutiny during home visits, or lack of awareness regarding the use of proper pronouns. It is important that when adoptive families meet the biological families, the agency focuses on similarities between the parents, such as perhaps where they live, where they went to high school, and not talk about sexual orientation right at the beginning. Staff should remember that they cannot assume what types of parents the biological parents will consider for their child’s adoption (SAMHSA, 2014). Agencies can be more affirming by training their staff, making material LGBTQ+ inclusive, and remembering the many positive qualities of LGBTQ+ adoptive parents.

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Resources
Adoption Network. (n.d.) Same-sex adoption. https://adoptionnetwork.com/types-of-adoption-options/same-sex-adoption/

GLAD (n.d.) Know your rights. https://www.glad.org/overview/second-parent-adoption/massachusetts/

Reed, K. (2013, October 22). Study finds couples who want children view adoption as a last resort. Nebraska Today. 
Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration. (2014). A Practitioner’s Resource Guide: Helping Families to Support Their LGBT Children. HHS Publication No. PEP14-LGBTKIDS. Rockville, MD: Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration.https://familyproject.sfsu.edu/sites/default/files/FamilySupportForLGBTChildrenGuidance.pdf
Turner, C. S. (1999). Adoption journeys: Parents tell their stories. Ithaca, NY: McBooks Press.
UCLA Williams Institute. (2018). How many same-sex couples in the US are raising children? https://williamsinstitute.law.ucla.edu/publications/same-sex-parents-us/